


I'm not on drugs! I swear! (1/1) {The Third}

by charibob



Series: drugs [3]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: ALL OF THE CRACK, F/M, crack!, so much crack!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:43:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2112111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charibob/pseuds/charibob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Products of madness should never be subjected to summarization.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not on drugs! I swear! (1/1) {The Third}

It started, innocently enough with some beans.

Well, actually it didn't. 

Rewind about 19 years.

It started with a birth.

Oh wait, I was wrong, it did start with some beans. (But they were beans from 19 years ago, not the present beans that I brought up earlier, so just pretend you never heard about the beans from the present and focus on the past beans. Okay?)

There once was a man from Nantucket. (To be honest, he was from Detroit, but I always wanted to start something with that line and it's my story and not yours so I can do whatever I want and you can't stop me so Nyner Nyner Nyner!) The man and his wife were expecting a child. The wife was craving all the normal weird foods that pregnant women craved but more than anything she craved a lima bean and ice cream sandwich covered in thousand island dressing. The man went to the store to get what his wife needed, but the store was out of lima beans. He went home and told his wife and she smacked him with a big lump of frozen meat and made him go steal lima beans from the garden next door. 

Now, unbeknownst to the man, the garden next door was owned by a witch (and not a good Willowy witch either) who worked for a vampire giant, growing those beans to lure unsuspecting idiots to their deaths by growing giant beanstalks to the vampire giant's house in the sky. 

When the witch (we'll call her Bunny from now on) counted her beans and realized that some of them were missing, she immediately knew who the culprit was and went to visit the people next door. When she got there, she beat the man with some frozen meat and told the woman that in payment for the stolen beans, Bunny would take their child, once it was born. And then Bunny stormed out of the house and went to report that she had acquired a child for her vampire giant.

Now, the man and his wife could have just moved and changed their name and Bunny would have never been able to find them but they didn't because they really didn't mind Bunny taking their child. They had no clue what to do with one once it came out and this solved all their problems. So they waited, had the child, a little girl with red hair and green eyes (gee, I wonder who could it be?) and turned her over to Bunny. 

Bunny took the baby to her vampire giant (We'll call him Angelus. Why will we call him Angelus? Because that's his name. Plus I miss the leather pants, so I need an Angelus, larger than life and wearing so much leather that there are dozens of herds of naked cows wandering around, trying to keep their insides from falling out.) Once Angelus saw the baby, he decided that he wasn't going to eat her right off the bat. He was going to lock her up in a tower that only he could get into and once she grew up he was going to make her fall in love with him and then he would make her his eternal companion 'cuz he was getting really sick of Bunny. So he took the baby, whom he decided to name Willow (big surprise) and locked her in a tower and waited for her to grow up.

***************

Doyle didn't want to grow up. He liked playing and not having to be serious, because serious sucked and meant that he had to be responsible and stuff. So one day, he ran away from his home and his wife and went to Never Never land where he met Cordybell and the lost scooby gang and they all refused to grow up together and they fought Captain Spike (an alligator ate his hand and he replaced it with a big spike) and his first mate Dru and the rest of the pirates. 

And life was good for Doyle. 

Except the fact that Cordybell refused to go out with him.

And the lost scooby gang (which at this point consisted of Xander and Anya) were always busy making out.

And he made some bad bets and owed Captain Spike a lot of money.

But other than all that, life was good for Doyle.

Until Captain Spike wanted his money.

**********

Okay, *now* it all started with the beans, not the beans from 19 years ago, (you know, the ones that led to that nice Rapunzil/Jack and the Beanstalk setup) but the ones from now.

Bunny was out looking for someone to give her beans to. Angelus was hungry again. And at this point, Angelus was ready to eat Bunny if she didn't prove her worth every day. He didn't want her around anymore because he was just about ready to turn Willow into his eternal companion. But Bunny did keep sending idiots up for him to eat, and that was useful because that way he didn't have to get his own and could spend more time trying to make Willow fall in love with him. So he didn't eat Bunny. 

Bunny found a nice looking guy with dark hair and slightly mismatched clothes and offered him some beans in exchange for some money. Doyle had no money and told Bunny that he was poor and he owed people money and did she need help selling her beans 'cuz Captain Spike had a big spike and was coming after him. 

Bunny told Doyle that if he had something worthwhile to sell, she'd give him the beans and he could climb the beanstalk and get money and hide from Captain Spike. 

So Doyle gave her Cordybell.

In exchange for beans.

Cordybell was pissed.

Bunny (who couldn't help but feel that somehow she'd gotten the short end of the stick) took Cordybell to Angelus and told him that there would be another meal on it's way soon. Angelus locked Cordybell up in his storeroom with his money and his cheesy 'rogue demon hunter' that he'd gotten in a happy meal from McDonalds (tm) that he kept only because of the comedic value. And then Angelus went off to moon over Willow some more.

Doyle climbed the beanstalk (having forgotten how to fly without the aid of either an airplane or some really good acid) and found a castle and a tower in the clouds. He walked around the tower trying to figure out how to get in, but it looked completely inaccessible so he went to the castle (which was deserted 'cuz Angelus was with Willow in the tower) instead and found the storeroom. He went in and took some money and released Cordybell and the 'rogue demon hunter'. Cordybell was still completely pissed at Doyle so she latched onto the demon hunter with a vengeance. 

As they were leaving the castle, Angelus left the tower and went to go wait for the meal that Bunny promised him. He saw Doyle trying to make off with his money, his new fairy and his demon hunter.

Angelus roared and they took off running. Cordybell and the demon hunter made it down the beanstalk, and Doyle ran to the base of the tower (which incidentally was huge because Angelus had to be able to fit into it.)

Angelus sauntered after the retreating man. (Angelus doesn't run. Running caused leather to chafe and there's a lot of leather so that would be a WHOLE LOT of chafing. Ouch!)

Doyle, seeing a very large window at the top of the tower, shouted for help. Surprisingly, help came in the form of a very long red rope. Doyle didn't stop to question the fact that the rope seemed to be made out of hair or the fact that he was going into a tower that could very well contain a threat worse than Angelus. 

He started climbing the rope, only to run into an obstacle halfway up. It was a small woman with short red hair and big green eyes, not that he had time to admire the view as he was trying to run for his life from a very angry vampire giant that he had just stolen from. So he pushed her up the rope until they both got into the tower. 

Once they were there, Willow turned to the guy that had interrupted her escape and couldn't help but smiling. He had the cutest unrepentant little boy expression on his face. But she only smiled for a minute, then she laid into the guy for showing up and wasting a perfectly good escape plan. But she could only get a few words into her tirade before the rope was ripped from the side of the tower by Angelus (who's day was just getting worse and worse. First he had to deal with Bunny, then his demon hunter got loose, then his meal ran away, and now his woman was trying to escape. And she had cut her hair. That really pissed him off. He liked her hair long and now he'd have to wait for it all to grow out again.)

Angelus reached up to the window and started to pull himself through, hellbent on eating his meal and making Willow quite aware of exactly who she belonged to. (By the way, he could reach the window 'cuz he's a giant.) 

Willow 'eeped' in fear and Doyle scrambled for a hiding place. He shoved Willow into her closet ('cuz even if he was hiding, that didn't mean that he wanted for the girl to get hurt by the big nasty coming through the window, after all, she was cute.) and he dove under the bed. 

Angelus climbed up the tower until he had a good position and pulled his woman out of the closet and out the window, his thoughts on getting her away from his meal (who could have spoiled her.) 

Cordybell, seeing that there was someone other than Doyle (whom she was still royally pissed at) in trouble, went to help. She started buzzing around Angelus, trying to distract him from the redhead. Angelus carefully put Willow onto the roof of the tower and swatted Cordybell away. Then he reached inside again for Doyle. 

He couldn't find him. 

That's because Doyle, seeing that the poor little redhead was in trouble, snuck out the window and was climbing Angelus's back to go rescue her. While Angelus was busy trying to find him, Doyle managed to get to the roof and he and Willow climbed down Angelus while he was distracted. 

They managed to make it all the way to the beanstalk (stopping to rescue the dazed Cordybell) before Angelus realized that there was no one else in the tower and that Willow was missing from the roof. He saw them all frantically trying to climb down the beanstalk and jumped off the tower with a roar. 

"Fee fie foe fum  
I smell the blood of an Irish bum!" (sorry, had to do it.)

Doyle stopped his frantic climbing to give off his own indignant yell:

"I'm not a bum! I just make bad bets!" 

And then he climbed like a madman trying to get away from the giant. 

They all hit the ground while Angelus was only about halfway down. Doyle got an ax and chopped the beanstalk down and Angelus fell quite far, making a huge crater in the ground and getting stunned in the process. 

Captain Spike showed up, ignoring the giant and demanding his money from Doyle. Willow, seeing Captain Spike got an idea and went and smacked Angelus around until he woke up and told him that Captain Spike was madly in love with him and wanted to go live in his tower forever and ever. Angelus only took a moment to consider this new development (after all, Captain Spike was pretty damn cute) and he decided to go for it. He swept Captain Spike up and took him to his tower where they lived happily ever after. 

Doyle decided to show Willow the world (she *had* been locked in a tower all her life. Besides, Cordybell was all hung up over the demon hunter guy and she was way too small for him anyway, whereas Willow was the perfect size and she was very pretty and she did save him from Captain Spike) and they eventually fell in love and went back to Never Never land with the lost scooby gang and Cordybell made Bunny cast a spell ('cuz it was her fault that she got locked in a storeroom) that made the demon hunter the right size for her and they all lived happily ever after except Bunny who was still stuck getting idiots to go up the beanstalk.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> Still not on drugs, unless you count Nyquil 'cuz I just took a major dose which is why this one really sucks.


End file.
